Am I My Brother’s Mentor?

The Need For Male Role Models

The Lack of Expectations

My teenage years were devoid of male role models. My parents split up permanently when I was about 10. I only had sporadic contact with my father after that, and I had no brothers. Most of my cousins who lived near me were female, and all my uncles except one were living in other parts of the country.

I was a boy in a woman’s world.

My mother, grandmother, older female cousins, and aunts taught me everything they knew through their eyes as Southern black women. I was given rewards for being the person they were comfortable being.

When I was being babysat by my aunt or grandmother, I was given praise for being respectable and quiet. I learned to not be the rambunctious boy who would throw things and knock down blocks for the sake of it. I was taught by my mother how to do domestic chores. Before I officially entered my teenage years, I was an expert in ironing clothes, cleaning bathrooms, vacuuming and mopping floors, and so on. I was expected to be a caretaker. When my only sister came along when I was fifteen, I was charged with staying home and taking care of her. When my grandmother got ill, I was asked to come over and help her do things.

Looking back on it, I appreciate the lessons the women in my life taught me. But it was the lessons I was not taught that turned out to be more impactful for my identity as a man.